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The silence was not passive. It was a low-frequency hum that lived in the refrigerator’s motor and the distant highway. I learned to listen for you in the gaps between songs on the radio, in the pause before the thunder cracked. I learned that the loudest sound in the world is the absence of a person clearing their throat.
We are told that grief softens with time. I have come to believe that is a lie we tell children. Grief does not soften; it changes shape. In June, it was a stone in my throat. In July, it was a pair of your reading glasses left on the windowsill—dust gathering on the lenses as if the world itself was going blind. By August, grief had become a dull, surgical instrument. It performed a quiet vivisection on every ordinary activity. the summer without you
I named him Proust, because he made me remember things involuntarily. The silence was not passive
Rescue came from a place I did not expect: not from friends (who offered casseroles and clichés), not from time (which moved like molasses), but from a single, feral cat. A mangy orange tabby began appearing on the back steps in late July. It had no collar and one torn ear. You would have hated it. You were a dog person, loyal and uncomplicated. I learned that the loudest sound in the
On the last day of summer, I ate one of your tomatoes. It was mealy and too ripe. But I salted it anyway. I ate it standing at the kitchen counter, looking out the window at the empty porch swing, and I did not feel better. I did not feel healed.